Dear Next Boyfriend (Past- Present)

DNB,

An excerpt from 2003:

"I find myself waiting for a knock at the door. Someone to walk in, familiar and sure, and to sit down next to me, as if they have before. A stranger who knows the linear inequalities of my face, traces the invisible bruise of muscle and tendon stretched taunt below my skin, holds my hands shaking and tense.

And my name is a pattern on their lips, well worn, wishful, welcome, no longer discordant.
And they keep it close, next to their own. A symbolic symphony."

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It is strange to not have you here. I feel like I am giant-stepping into my (our?) future soon, with an empty hand that yours should twine and twin with. Though the idea is as abstract as your existence currently is, and despite my complete faith and perseverance in the pursuit of my own desires, it brought me to irreconcilable tears the other night, quiet, shaking sobs in the dark, completely out of character.

We should be shoulder to shoulder, maps laid out, taking notes, charting the stars, deciding and dreaming. "Keep your eyes peeled", you should be whispering, "you don't want to miss whats next."

But each path has a purpose; maybe this one has two: turning thought into action (the dirt in my hands, the concrete pounding shock waves through my legs, the sky ever expanding, stepping off a ledge and finding wings where there once were just weights) and you. Could you be a purpose? I think I'd like to call you "promise", but you are definitely not the "point" (you should know by now, I'll never be that girl).

I think promise fits. Its what I offer, its what I should expect ("We accept the love we think we deserve").

I am though, no longer sitting still, hands clasped and face expectant, awaiting arrival. Soon this promise will be set in motion, covering ground, taking in new territory. Soon this promise will be unstoppable. Soon this promise will grow. These are all things you should look forward to.

"Keep your eyes peeled", I whisper, "you don't want to miss what's next"

Love,
Tori